You Could Be Dreaming
It’s hard to get any sleep on the train. It rumbles over fields, through forests, towns familiar and foreign, afternoon then sunset then darkened sky, until all you can see out the window is some faint version of yourself.

A train attendant announces the next stop. You’ve been zoning in and out the whole ride, but something snaps within you as you hear those words. It’s home. Or it was.
You remember liking it there.
Or, you remember being a kid, and not realizing that life could be different than it was. One or the other, you think. Doesn’t really matter now. You’re back.
You didn’t think you’d be back here. You figured, one day, sure, you’d meet people who would be curious about the area you grew up in. You’d take them to:
The streams you used to jump across
the neighborhoods you lived near had woods surrounding them that stretched for miles, and for as many long asphalt roads that burned you in the summer, there was a stream in those woods that would cool you off again
That giant graffiti pipe
It crossed over the deepest ditch in the area. it was a rite of passage to cross over it, as if some secret of maturity would be revealed if you ever crossed it. But you never did, because:
You fell
She pushed you
You trusted her, when she said she was scared. You held her hand and the both of you walked together. And then there were voices, others, and even though you didn't care, she did. She pushed you.
Now it’s.. limbo.
A place for the summer. Maybe longer, you’re not really sure. It seems like your dad doesn’t even know either. He doesn’t seem to know much. But he loves you, and your mom, and your brother. He’s working hard right now, and wishes he could be with you, and you could be with him. He wants the whole family to get along, to be fine, to be happy. But:
Your mother.
The reason you all picked up and headed north to the city, your mother, your superhero, your role model, the future lawyer. The bright eyes bright dreamer she is, she’s in the hospital. You didn’t see it coming. You barely know what depression was, except that it’s the reason they took her away from you. You look into her eyes now, and wonder if the brightness you saw before was just a distraction, meant to blind you from the emptiness that you see so clearly now. The emptiness you fear you might inherit. The emptiness your brother probably did inherit. After all, he’s messed up too.
Your brother.
They probably could’ve afforded some camp for you to go to if he hadn’t fucked it all up. Doing whatever it was- they still didn’t give you all the details- that caused him to end up at that correctional camp.
Your father.
He doesn’t want you to see he’s not okay. That’s the real reason you’ve been sent away, you think. Or maybe, he just couldn’t handle seeing...
You.
If you’d been… healthier. Able to keep your mother happy. Able to keep your brother calm. Able to put a smile on for your father. Maybe you’d all be at a beach somewhere, or something. That’s what families do in the summer, right?
- - -
It’s time, to get off the train.
The train aisle clogs up here, more than you expected. You don’t remember ever seeing this many people boarding or departing at this station before. It’s an in-between place for travelers, a stop on the road for many, a home to a few, a few that you used to be part of.
People slip from the station into the night, into cars, onto shuttles, on to home, on to the next town, on to the next stop. But you stay, and soak in the heat of a southern night, stale and humid, you start to sweat just standing still. A voice calls out to you, it's...
for a moment, you’re not even sure. You were sent here to stay with your god-parents, but they are nowhere to be seen. The voice that said your name wasn’t familiar at all. A shadowy figure waves at you from a nearby parked car. As you step closer, you realize it’s just Nathan.
Your... god-brother?
Is that what you call it? A couple years older, always sort of in the periphery of your life, but last year, you didn’t hear from him at all. He’s busy preparing for college, you know.
Your brother's best friend.
He kept in touch with Nate better than you did. Even came out here to visit a few times. Offered to bring you along too, but you refused. You still don’t fully know why. It probably would’ve been good to make an effort to stay in touch with the people here.
- - -
You greet him, the words feeling dry as they slip out. He helps you with your luggage- you didn’t bring much. A bookbag, a suitcase full of mostly your brothers’ clothes. You keep believing a growth spurt is coming, and you hate most of the clothes you wore in middle school.

He puts the radio on, and you sit in the front seat. No one else came. You think about the train, you think about Nathan, you think about her . You talk about...

Nathan .
You ask him about college prep. He launches into a speech that feels scripted, punched up for the sake of others. He must be tired of talking about this, but he tells you anyway. He’s entering senior year, and has already narrowed down his choices, but is casting a wide net. He’s working, he’s volunteering, he’s mentoring kids at the middle school. He’s doing sports, he’s in STEM, he’s in the band. He’s visited campuses, met with professors, sat in on courses.You start to tune out, and wonder how someone so boring (you mean different) from your brother could be his best friend.
God-Parents
For a moment, Nathan sounds angry, but maybe you just imagined it. He tells you they’re fine. They’re looking forward to seeing you. They’ve got the house all cleaned and you’ll be staying in Cole’s room- Cole is your other god-brother. The younger one.Nathan shifts to talking about Cole, what a pest he’s been lately. Cole’s your age, and has also just started high school. Apparently, he’s taking full advantage of the level of chaos he can bring and get away with because his older brother is so well liked. You try to take Nathan’s side, but take mental notes for annoying your own brother when you’re all back home.
Your brother.
Nathan seems startled at the topic, and flounders around about some memories of all four of you god-siblings.

You ask him if he knows anything about what happened. Why your brother is in so much trouble. You ask him if he knows what he did. Nathan continues to talk about memories.

- - -
The silence goes unnoticed for a while, under the music on the radio. The music is good, it distracts, then it distorts. You remember sometimes the radio would just cut out on these long country roads, and it's happening now. You hate the silence. The way all the thoughts you lock away threaten to surge forward. There's too many things you don't want to think about, and too many things you don't know how to say.
- - -
Then you feel the car just over with a jerk to the side of the road. You look over to demand an explanation from Nathan.
You see your father.

You turn to your left, and even

though you know it's a trick, some dream

caught in your eye like sand, you believe it-

Your father at the wheel,

seemingly unable to decide

how or when or if to tell you

about your mother's mind.

You're just left that building

too hushed, too bright,

too tight, too loud, too strange.

The women there is not your mother.

She had tried to comfort you with a smile

and you knew you might not see her again,

but it hurt too much to face her,

to return her smile.

your father's face is tired, and he looks

older than he ever could have been,

back then, when you hated your mother

and the way her mind took her away

You don't know how much time took place,

you felt suspended in the past's prescence,

blinking until you remembered

those days were over.

You see that classmate.

The driver shifts, and in the

fractured moonlight

he lunges toward you gripping your shoulders

You tense up and his eyes

bore into yours, and all you can do

is search his face for signs

of how you can make things right

your old classmate before you,

you haven't seen him in years,

but this moment is real

as is the panic in his face

contorted by rage

and a deep sadness

accusing you of caring for him so much that it confused him

into thinking you love him too

even though you were too many years younger, and

only wanted a friend.

But he wasn't stable

and you thought if you didn't

give into him, neither of you

would make it home

But just as quickly as he lunged

the feeling of his hands

dissipated into the stale, empty

car, silent, except for the engine

rumbling on and on and

intermittently joined in

by some distant howling creature

in the woods

You see her The driver smiles, and

you can breathe, watching

her smile back as she

fiddles with the radio.

Soon we will be back on the road,

soon we will be home, and

reunited with all the others

that you abandoned,

that you abandoned?

her face, half-darkened

is focused on something

in the distance,

and you can’t see it.

and she knows you can’t.

All you can see are the

shadows, the doubts,

All you can hear are the

echoes, the dissonance

in the radio, like three channels

are all tuned in at once

She smiles again,

and asks you to let her know

when you can get out of here

on your own,

she can’t keep coming here,

to this place, halfway between

everything,

and you know it’s not fair to her

but you’re angry anyway,

as you find yourself alone,

staring at the steering wheel,

waiting for the next driver.

- - -
Nathan is staring at you with a strange expression. He doesn’t know what you’re talking about- he doesn’t remember pulling the car over.You must have been dreaming.It’s time to wake up.Get out of the car.You’ve arrived.